Mixed CD Story

Self Implode
August 2008- Present

“I see this red door and I wanted it painted black” the lyrics to The Rolling Stones’ song titled what else “Painted Black.” This is the way my last beginning of a wrestling season started, just seeing the title brings the memory back of how everything clear, happy, and bright must now come to an abrupt end to the black, dismal and almost depressing, and grueling life of my wrestling season. Time and time again I remember thinking “Why do I do this to myself” “Why am I cutting a million pounds in a week to just try and be competitive.” (In reality I was and am only losing 10 pounds in a week, granted still not healthy ha-ha). “Why do I go without eating or not having a social life for this damn sport” and all that time I would still push through all the crap and stay with it. This season was worst for some reason though, could it have been because of the new co-head coach who broke me, mentally, or the fact that I had major senioritis. Yes. It was all of these things, and these were so bad that I almost quit the team after 3 and now 4 years of sweating, bleeding, wrestling with an injured head, shoulder or ankle. After not eating Thanksgiving for 4 years, having to sit at the table and smell the delicious turkey be passed around you. After all that, and I was about to quit a sport that most people have no idea how hard it is or how much of your physical, mental and social health goes into. All they ever see is men wrestling with other men in “leotards.” They don’t understand and never will. But I was about to quit to have that beautiful life and scent of freedom that everyone else has.
It wasn't until T.O.C week or as others knows it as winter break, was when my attitude and mind set of leaving changed. I started to beat people that were better than me, on paper, and had this thought of, “Everything is going to good.” And like slipknot states “it’s all a bunch of ‘Dead Memories’” and that’s exactly what my quitting memories were dead and gone. No longer there, like the food at an all “you can eat buffet” when a wrestling team walks out after eating. My attitude started to change and I know had this great confidence that I can win a city title at the hardest weight class of 130 pounds. I started to see the seating and rankings as lies and that I can be someone “better” than me and I no longer cared. That is what I noticed too, when I stopped caring about rankings and just went out there to have fun and wrestle, I was good and performed at a level I never saw let alone the coach’s saw. So here I am blabbering, and reminiscing about these memories of doubt and low confidence to how I over came those ideas and made better memories. Cliché isn’t it? But, in this very cliché moment not one part is a lie or false and IT WAS a sappy teen movie that we all hate. Even though, all of us had moments where it was one of those poorly scripted and edited movies. I ended up getting a shirt along with the whole team a shirt that reflected the new mental thought. “VINI VIDI VICI.” And for those who don’t know “I CAME, I SAW, I CONQUERED”.